And so it begins

I have had a couple of other blogs over the years, always mainly focusing on my children. I would write about whatever struck me at the time, or what I thought I "should" be writing about, or what people "wanted" to read about. This is not a blog I am writing for anyone but myself. If no one else ever reads it, I am fine with that. This is for me.

I am 23, almost 24 years old. But I still don't feel "grown up". I am not the person I want to be. I don't know why not, but I'm not. I never have been. There have been times I've embraced being something else, times I've denied being something else, but now I am to the point of no longer accepting it. It is not okay. And I can't change myself overnight, it is going to require some actual work and effort. I am ready to begin this journey.

I am a single mom to a 5 year old daughter and 2 year old son. I am an okay, maybe even decent mother. But I KNOW I can be a better mom. I am lazy and don't read my kids bedtime stories very often anymore. I am lazy and feed them fast food too often. I lose my temper and get upset for things that are not really their fault, but either my fault or my unrealistic expectations. I am lazy and don't clean the house like I should. We moved almost 2 full months ago and I am only slightly more than 50% unpacked. I don't follow through with threats of punishment and my kids can pretty much walk all over me to get what they want, until they go too far and I freak out on them. We don't have a good and solid routine and I am constantly scrambling in the mornings, and more often than not late to school or work.

I am a first year law student and I have horrible reading and study habits. I don't read like I should to follow along, so going to class is completely pointless and I get nothing out of it since I have no clue what's going on. I am going into some pretty significant debt to sit in these classes, I probably should get something out of them. I have only one class that requires assignments and I've turned every single one in late. EVERY.SINGLE.ASSIGNMENT. And I don't even have good excuses, I'm just too lazy and don't WANT to do the work. Well duh, I don't think anyone WANTS to do it!

I am also a Law Clerk at a public interest firm that I dreamt of working for before I even applied to Law School. Working for this specific place and doing what they do (they are the only ones in my county who do this) is the ONE and ONLY reason I decided to go to Law School after finishing my Bachelor's degree last year. I am an excellent worker, but very new, so I'm not actually sure what I can do to improve. I have never put myself so fully into any job as this, I am working each day like I have to prove my chance to come back the next day. I am very proud of myself for getting this opportunity and am going to try my hardest not to waste it. I guess this is the one thing I feel I am doing well and need to just maintain, instead of improve upon. I also work part-time at my school, and have no issues with that job or my performance there. So at least I am happy with work, if nothing else.

I am overweight...no, let's get real, I'm obese, morbidly obese. I have horrible habits and am "too busy" to exercise and eat whatever I want whenever I want. I am 23 years old and will probably be dead by the time I'm 30 if I don't lose weight. I have tried a few times but never stuck with anything or seen it through to the end. I have got to get healthy, and get my children healthy. My daughter is already following in my footsteps and it absolutely breaks my heart. But not enough to motivate me, apparently.

I have very, very little self esteem/self worth/confidence. Probably more like zero. As if that wasn't evidenced by this post, lmao. I really want to work on that and feel good about myself and maybe even become a little more outgoing and make more friends and talk to more people. I also want to get into therapy on a regular basis because I feel like I have a lot of unresolved issues and feelings.

I am very unorganized. I have a hard time keeping track of important paperwork, and deadlines, and stuff, and everything is always complete chaos. I also a lot of times don't reply to people I should, whether over email, text, facebook, whatever. I don't have a set routine for myself and quite often forget whether I took a shower the previous day or not, I also sleep on the couch in my clothes more often than I sleep in my bed.

Okay so basically...I'm a trainwreck. Lovely! I will be graduating school in May 2016 and I think that is a nice and realistic timeframe to give myself a complete makeover, both inside and out.

My Three Year Plan is to accomplish the following:

---Get organized: keep track of important papers, dates, etc.

---Establish and follow through with a cleaning and chores routine/schedule

---Stick to a morning and night routine for me and kids, with regular wake up times and regular bedtimes.

---Budget: get organized with $$$, due dates, etc

---Save money

---Develop skills to better cope with and parent my children

---Keep grades up

---Get involved in school activities and clubs

---Get paralegal certificate ***not completely sure if I want to do this or not***

---Lose weight

---Get active with kids

---Stop being so shy, and have some confidence in myself

My plan for this blog is to check in daily, or at the very least twice a week, and check myself. Make small and obtainable goals for myself that work towards my larger life goals, and accomplish them. Track my progress and ensure that I AM, in fact, MAKING progress.

So I am going to start Monday. Firstly, because that's just how I am and I procrastinate everything I possibly can LOL. Secondly, because I will be pulling an all nighter tonight to finish up a memo assignment for my Legal Writing class that was actually due a week or two ago, that I haven't even started :/ So I won't be good with no sleep, and then I can't start any major changes on the weekend. LOL. Hey, at least I am planning! That counts for something!