Long time no see!

Wow! I totally forgot about this blog! I almost deleted it, but then I read it and figured hey, why not continue on?

I did fairly well in my first year of law school. But then the second year...I don't know. I just completely and totally stopped caring. I went to class and took my finals and everything...but then I decided to quit school. After 3 semesters and waayyyy too much debt. I thought it would be a hard decision and something I'd be really upset/distraught over. But instead it brought me nothing but relief! I feel so much less stress and burden just even thinking about it! So after studying like hell for the LSAT, agonizing over whether to go to law school or not, and after 3 semesters...I was just so DONE! I just officially withdrew about 2 weeks ago and I still get so happy just thinking about it. Best decision evah!

Since both of my jobs were through school, that sucks and no more. So I'm pretty much just an unemployed bum not working or going to school for the time being.

And I am LOVING it!

I have enough money saved up for my February bills, and my tax refund should cover my March bills, but after that I'm pretty screwed. So by April 1 I HAVE to have a job.

Weirdly enough, I've also decided to go to community college for a little while. LOL. I have a Bachelor's and a year and a half in law school behind me...but now I'm going to a CC. Mainly because I want to defer my student loans as long as possible, and because I want financial aid money since I still have over a year left on my Pell Grant. I'm going to get either an Associate's degree or a Certificate in Alcohol & Drug Counseling...I actually haven't decided yet which one! I'm already enrolled though, and will be starting classes at the end of February. I only have class on Mondays and Fridays, so I'm hoping to get a decent job for the other days. I also am going to continue with my foster parent trainings and certification. While I have always wanted to be a FP and am not doing it for the money, it certainly won't hurt. My goal is to make enough on my own to pay for at least the bare minimum in my expenses, so I'm not depending on that money, ever. But then I can at least use it for extra expenses like extracurriculars and fun places for the kids, and things like that.

So let's see where I am with my goals...

I just moved to my OWN house in December, and that has helped me a TON! Not only am I loving it, but I clean all the time, am super organized, and have done great with budgeting! So yay, go me! LOL.

I'm doing okay with the kids, too. Mornings are going MUCH MUCH MUCH better for us lately! Bedtime is still my living hell. Mainly because my daughter is in elementary school and gets super tired and has to get to bed early. If she's not in her bed by 7:30, it's meltdown time. Sometimes she even needs to be in bed by 7. But then my son's daycare is still having him nap for 203 hours (UGGGHHHHHHH!!!!) and he is often up until midnight. That drives me up the damn wall, that's for sure. I feel like I'm getting a lot more patient with them. I've read so many parenting books lately. I am really trying my hardest. They're good kids. But KIDS. I need to be reminded of that sometimes.

On my weight loss goal...blah, I suck. I did this really extreme diet for a week at New Year's and I lost 14 pounds in 5 days. It was pretty awesome, and I keep wanting to start it again. But then I get so damn hungry! Lol. Definitely something I need to get control of.

My love life...oh man. I could write a freaking book with all that's happened in this area in the past few months. Man, it's been a bit tumultuous. To say the least. I have learned a lot. About myself, love, life...truly everything. It's definitely helped a lot with my prior confidence/self-esteem goal, though. Lol.

I honestly DO feel like a real grown up now. Which is nuts, because when I look back at this blog from almost a year ago, I remember writing this and I remember how I felt powerless in so many ways and almost like a kid/teenager. So much has changed since then. I think it's a combination of moving into my new house, meeting tons of new people, and crazy love life drama. And quitting law school was oddly empowering.

So going forward, I am going to try to remember to post here more! I think it will help to keep me accountable. My goals going forward are:

--Get a J-O-B! Priority Number One!

--Get better with budgeting and know exactly how much $$ I need

--Save money

--Eat healthier, get the kids to eat healthier, and lose weight

--Be more patient with the kids, and be a better mom overall

--Be more social, especially with other parents

--Not mess things up with my current boyfriend. It's going pretty damn awesome, but I have a habit of screwing things up over nothing, and it's only been a few weeks.

Trying

Well, I am trying. It is not easy. Kids are driving me a bit nuts. But I am realizing that every time they are, it's because of MY shortcomings. It's because I haven't set anything routine they should be doing, it's because I haven't established concrete rules and structure and boundaries like they need.

I went off on them a bit yesterday morning and this morning. Mornings are difficult because we need to be out the door in a timely manner. NOT dawdling around taking our damn time! Nash la dee das around and it's just on my last nerve. I'm realizing that is MY fault, not HIS. I need to have a structured morning set up: now we brush our teeth, now we get dressed, etc. With no spare time for trouble making and playing first thing in the morning.

I really tried yesterday to remain calm while we visited the Science Center. I REALLY tried. I also really tried to be in the moment and enjoying my children. It's really hitting me lately how they are and are going to continue to grow up SO FAST! I have such limited time with them being little and naive and innocent. I really want to enjoy it. Nash was a little whiny and Adria got a little grumpy after lunch, but overall they were SO well behaved! I was also very happy with MY behavior, I didn't get upset with either of them and just enjoyed the day. When we were getting into the car and leaving, I told them that they had been SO GOOD and thanked them for their behavior.

I feel like I am doing well with being a better mother. Not a perfect mother, by far, but at least a good one. And that is my first priority and the most important on my goal list. I have not made a lick of progress in losing weight (sticking to a healthy diet), being a better student, being a better housekeeper, or just being a responsible grown up. But it's baby steps. I am happy that I have done something, anything, and am feeling like a better mom than I did a few days ago. Even if I haven't changed anything just yet, I'm able to really step back and recognize that I have good kids, I am the one who needs to change my ways. Although last week I did do a really good job of cleaning my kitchen, dining room, and living room! However, I want to keep it up and clean on a daily basis and have no been doing that. Also, kids rooms are a ridiculous mess. Which again, is something I need to take care of, and teach them and guide them and check up on them. I can't expect them to do everything at their ages! A lot of my issues are that I'm just plain old lazy.

here is a really good article on why NOT to yell at your kids. The #2 proclamation that your KIDS are your audience has been the one to most ring true for me. I am really, really trying to take it in and get my kids to behave withOUT yelling.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-orange-rhino/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling_b_2886161.html

And so it begins

I have had a couple of other blogs over the years, always mainly focusing on my children. I would write about whatever struck me at the time, or what I thought I "should" be writing about, or what people "wanted" to read about. This is not a blog I am writing for anyone but myself. If no one else ever reads it, I am fine with that. This is for me.

I am 23, almost 24 years old. But I still don't feel "grown up". I am not the person I want to be. I don't know why not, but I'm not. I never have been. There have been times I've embraced being something else, times I've denied being something else, but now I am to the point of no longer accepting it. It is not okay. And I can't change myself overnight, it is going to require some actual work and effort. I am ready to begin this journey.

I am a single mom to a 5 year old daughter and 2 year old son. I am an okay, maybe even decent mother. But I KNOW I can be a better mom. I am lazy and don't read my kids bedtime stories very often anymore. I am lazy and feed them fast food too often. I lose my temper and get upset for things that are not really their fault, but either my fault or my unrealistic expectations. I am lazy and don't clean the house like I should. We moved almost 2 full months ago and I am only slightly more than 50% unpacked. I don't follow through with threats of punishment and my kids can pretty much walk all over me to get what they want, until they go too far and I freak out on them. We don't have a good and solid routine and I am constantly scrambling in the mornings, and more often than not late to school or work.

I am a first year law student and I have horrible reading and study habits. I don't read like I should to follow along, so going to class is completely pointless and I get nothing out of it since I have no clue what's going on. I am going into some pretty significant debt to sit in these classes, I probably should get something out of them. I have only one class that requires assignments and I've turned every single one in late. EVERY.SINGLE.ASSIGNMENT. And I don't even have good excuses, I'm just too lazy and don't WANT to do the work. Well duh, I don't think anyone WANTS to do it!

I am also a Law Clerk at a public interest firm that I dreamt of working for before I even applied to Law School. Working for this specific place and doing what they do (they are the only ones in my county who do this) is the ONE and ONLY reason I decided to go to Law School after finishing my Bachelor's degree last year. I am an excellent worker, but very new, so I'm not actually sure what I can do to improve. I have never put myself so fully into any job as this, I am working each day like I have to prove my chance to come back the next day. I am very proud of myself for getting this opportunity and am going to try my hardest not to waste it. I guess this is the one thing I feel I am doing well and need to just maintain, instead of improve upon. I also work part-time at my school, and have no issues with that job or my performance there. So at least I am happy with work, if nothing else.

I am overweight...no, let's get real, I'm obese, morbidly obese. I have horrible habits and am "too busy" to exercise and eat whatever I want whenever I want. I am 23 years old and will probably be dead by the time I'm 30 if I don't lose weight. I have tried a few times but never stuck with anything or seen it through to the end. I have got to get healthy, and get my children healthy. My daughter is already following in my footsteps and it absolutely breaks my heart. But not enough to motivate me, apparently.

I have very, very little self esteem/self worth/confidence. Probably more like zero. As if that wasn't evidenced by this post, lmao. I really want to work on that and feel good about myself and maybe even become a little more outgoing and make more friends and talk to more people. I also want to get into therapy on a regular basis because I feel like I have a lot of unresolved issues and feelings.

I am very unorganized. I have a hard time keeping track of important paperwork, and deadlines, and stuff, and everything is always complete chaos. I also a lot of times don't reply to people I should, whether over email, text, facebook, whatever. I don't have a set routine for myself and quite often forget whether I took a shower the previous day or not, I also sleep on the couch in my clothes more often than I sleep in my bed.

Okay so basically...I'm a trainwreck. Lovely! I will be graduating school in May 2016 and I think that is a nice and realistic timeframe to give myself a complete makeover, both inside and out.

My Three Year Plan is to accomplish the following:

---Get organized: keep track of important papers, dates, etc.

---Establish and follow through with a cleaning and chores routine/schedule

---Stick to a morning and night routine for me and kids, with regular wake up times and regular bedtimes.

---Budget: get organized with $$$, due dates, etc

---Save money

---Develop skills to better cope with and parent my children

---Keep grades up

---Get involved in school activities and clubs

---Get paralegal certificate ***not completely sure if I want to do this or not***

---Lose weight

---Get active with kids

---Stop being so shy, and have some confidence in myself

My plan for this blog is to check in daily, or at the very least twice a week, and check myself. Make small and obtainable goals for myself that work towards my larger life goals, and accomplish them. Track my progress and ensure that I AM, in fact, MAKING progress.

So I am going to start Monday. Firstly, because that's just how I am and I procrastinate everything I possibly can LOL. Secondly, because I will be pulling an all nighter tonight to finish up a memo assignment for my Legal Writing class that was actually due a week or two ago, that I haven't even started :/ So I won't be good with no sleep, and then I can't start any major changes on the weekend. LOL. Hey, at least I am planning! That counts for something!